Praying that you receive a blessing, healing, and hope to realize you are again held tightly by the strong love of our faithful Saviour who is very near to the broken hearted.
Most of you that know me, know that it is hard for me to leave out details when telling of life's journey. I still struggle to convey only facts and attempt to leave out excessive emotional bunny trails. Somehow, I have managed to not really write any updates with the exception of writing a few small blurbs on my blog. In any case, please know that I miss you and until Jesus comes I will be waiting to hear from you and your heart.
This last year ended with Dylan and I visiting his family and some of our friends in Missouri from mid December until the 31st. We met up with my sisters and their husbands and children in Tennessee January 1st through 7th. The cabin we stayed in was called above the clouds. I thought it was awfully appropriate seeing how the Lord has kept all of us children and grandchildren since Mom's been gone. Kept us so close to Him and close to each other.
One of the first family vacations I remember ever taking in my adult years with Mom, Terry, Michael, and Michele was right there in TN, in a cabin, in or near Wears Valley. This is all of our first holiday without Mom, her birthday would be the 22nd of Jan, and it is healing for us to be able to be together and thank God for each other...even if it is for just a few days.
The Lord is my Shepperd. Psalm 23 has taken on a whole new meaning this last year. He leads me through uncertainty, hard decisions, difficult circumstances, anxiety, stress, delirious confusion, sleep deprivation, emotional wreckage, and for the last eight months...through a season of grief.
It is still hard to process in my little brain that Mom's not here. Eight months ago was the funeral and everything that follows. She passed a few days before Mothers's Day. All of us sisters were there when she passed and we gave thanks to God for what a wonderful mother she has been to us all. So thankful for the time we did have with her. My brothers arrived literally a few seconds or minutes later...no doubt, broken hearted. We tried our best to call them, but it's overwhelming what comes to your mind when you realize --- it might not be much longer. We're all so thankful that we have been given the greatest gift of all THE UNCHANGING WORD OF GOD that continues to take us up when our father and mother forsake us. Two weeks after the funeral I began to think of the two greatest gifts my mom had ever given me. The word of God and my brothers and sisters.
All of us six children muddling through a crazy whirlwind of emotions, life circumstances, and struggles in our minds. Ups and downs and the reality that death is part of life is almost enough to numb you temporarily. (Leaving out plenty of details for various reasons.) Thank God for Donna, Melanie's mother in law, had all of us girls (the four sisters) over to her house and loved on us, fed us a good meal, and let us just 'be' in her house...such a blessing.
Dylan had gotten to Pensacola the day Mom was getting out of the hospital. A week before she died. I had not seen him since our engagement in February and now this was the last week in April. Mom had just been told she had a brain tumor and was not necessarily remembering everything. When she got home from the hospital she was in a bad way. She could hardly stand up or use the bathroom, she was not really eating or drinking anything substancially. A day or two later was not able to speak or see. Her very last words to me were, "Marcie, I know you are about to have a baby and I'm trying to hang on, but I am tired and I can't do this anymore." She wanted God to take her. And I thought oh maybe she thought I was my older sister who had just had a baby in February (Noah=God's Comfort), maybe she meant to say wedding. Because before Noah was born, my Mom was in some intense amounts of pain and was also wanting to be there for Monica when she had him. I told Mom it was okay and I understand. It was going to be alright.
The last few days before she passed or a few days after she was out of the hospital had to be some of the most terribly intense days I have ever experienced. Mom was a nurse so she had been pretty adamently against having hospice come in. I see why, now. The nurses meant well, I am sure, but all that seemed to come across was an all around sense that ''there's really not much you can do except leave the patience alone and allow her to transition naturally." Warning us that trying to feed or nurish her could actually cause her pain at this point. Try to make her comfortable...ie., medication. With the exception of one of the nurses finally catherterizing her and allowing what looked like over a gallon of fluid to be released, they honestly did not do too much else. One nurse came in and changed her meds, and then the next nurse might change them again. They had medication fed-xed to the house multiple times, and then we still had to go pick some up.
I remember the Dr saying he was going to put her on 3% sodium to draw the extra fluid away from the brain. Can't help but think...I thought sodium helps you to retain water? I was feeling so much frustration from conflicting information. Was wondering what suddently taking her off her blood pressure medicine was doing to her, not to mention the other medications that were recently prescribed. I read the list of possible side affects. Made me so mad I cried. All of the side effects seem to be the exact same symptoms they said she would have because of the brain tumor and cancer. I was crying because I felt my faith even in the midst of the chaos and pain. Mom was hurting so bad she couldn't tell us...but was making groans. Eventually she was not even doing that. Trying to breath and cough and it appeared she needed assistance doing that too. Hospice does not sustain life so they told us that oxygen or an IV was out of the question. We would need to put her back in the hospital again. You can imagine the absolute disgusting amounts of strain those sort of decisions put on a human being. So she was dehydrated, unable to communicate, soon couldn't swallow anymore... and us girls never gave up trying to give her some liquids, a bedbath, as much encouragement as we could muster. We would take turns reading scripture to her and playing music and telling her how much we loved her.
Mom took her last breath May 6th, 6:24am, two days before Mother's day. I wrote this in my journal:
MOM, You are the WIND AT MY BACK. Beautiful in every way. You have encouraged me. Your faithulness to press on in the midst of difficulty and struggle and pain. Your constant confession of your need for His help. Since ever I can remember you have taught me by your life to call on Jesus. I am so thankful for your selfless love and your thankfulness to God. Your deep love will always be lived out in your children. P.S. I got the dress you liked on me, and I'm so glad you were there when I tried it on.
May 24th journal entry: As it turns out ducktape doesn't fix everything. From one minute from the next I feel okay, then I feel sick, I feel like I'm going to break. I miss Mom. I dialed her number on my phone last night. Sat at the gas station and crying while I got gas in Mom's van. Thought of her face, her voice, and how I could always tell her anything...and the last time she hugged my head to her stomach. No one will ever hug me like she did. So thankful to have known her and that she loved so deeply. Her love lives in me.
There was much to be done. Mom's storage to be emptied out and sorted through. The rental house mom was staying in had to be emptied and cleaned. Many important papers to be sorted through. Michele did the majority of the sorting papers and certain items that might be meaningful to each of us. Mom's things were mostly donated to Loaves and Fishes.
Two weeks after the funeral one of my dearest friends (and Dylan's twin brother) Jared was getting married. I wrestled with whether to go or not, because so much still needed to be taken care of and there was a limited amount of time to get it done. Dylan was the best man so either way he was going. [Dylan was such an amazing support to me and my sisters through some of the hardest times of dealing with all the details and questions and trying to figure things out.] So I did end up going with him to Missouri and was able to help out a little bit with the wedding. Despite the sadness that was heavy on my heart from the circumstances following before and after Mom's funeral, I felt thankfulness and joy to be able to witness the faithfulness of the Lord and answered prayers from long ago in Jared and Jean's wedding.
Ten days later Dylan and I were married on June 11. How everything was done and taken care of was a miracle in itself. My incredible sisters also shouldered that load and took care of most all the details. Friends showed up from all over wanting to help. Monica and Nelson, my older sister and her husband handled rehearsal and reception and so much more than I could ever thank them for. My dearest friend Malea showed up at least a week early to be there for me and with me through so many decisions. She was a huge support to my family and to me...not only for the wedding but over the last few years...she had lifted my heart and helped me to refocus. Jessica showed up days early and did all she could to pray and help and paint. Not too mention all the things I cannot mention, bc it would take forever to explain what all my dear friends have been to me. Aunt Pauline and Uncle Leon treated me and my family (and still does) like we belong to them. They gave and gave and gave and still just want us to feel the love God has for us. They volunteered their property for the wedding which was a huge gift in itself. Not to mention all the watermelon we ate and figs. Aunt Sandy helped me by asking me some hard questions and crying me through an ocean of mixed emotions and prayed me through so much. Not to mention her and Uncle Tom cattered the wedding. Sarah and Jonathan have always blessed me. Sarah & Betsy hosted a bridal shower. Francis and Caroline sacraficed alot and showed up and worked like they were getting paid. Dan Seidel, Tom Herder, James Liu, Pastor Bill, Emeka and Juliet, Richard G, Josh Kezer, Rebecca B, Stephanie, and any others I've forgotten to mention - THANK YOU so much for your severe dedication and extreme love for us. Mark O - DAD showed up days before in His normal hero fashion. I cannot thank God enough for him and Julie and all the years they have held my heart up to heaven.
The wedding day was a beautiful day that ended in a severe thunderstorm. Intense winds and lighting striking the ground. To some degree I thought it reflected what was taking place in my heart and mind. I had a very bad sore throat the day of the wedding and it continued on escalating into flu like symptoms for the next few days. The discomfort did not really surprise me. I had been running on E from sleep depravation and crazy amounts of what I sensed was spiritual warfare, but it's hard to discern when you feel like your discernment has gone out the window. The only thing I could think to pray and to go by is to pray God's will be done and nothing else. God's will does not always feel good.
Thank God for the patient sweetness of Dylan's servant heart. We have both passed through some rigorous realities and are still learning how to relate to each other day by day, by God's grace, we have joy in the midst of pain. I guess it's just human nature, but I was thinking maybe I should pass through one major life event before I begin to take on another. In some countries when a close family member dies they postpone the wedding for a year.
Since the beginning of two thousand eleven it has been one transition after the other. In February, I had been beside myself with excitement and newness of mine and Dylan's engagement. At the same time, my heart was overwhelmed with a mixture of emotions, heavy sorrow, and sadness for what I might be passing through in the months to come. Trying to keep myself encouraged to hope in God and believe that there is nothing He cannot do. At any moment everything can change.
And it did. Not necessarily in the way I would have liked. All of it happened so quickly. Mom's radiation treatment/hospitalized twice, diagnosed a week before she died with a brain tumor. Mom passing away a few days before mother's day. Dylan's twin brother and one of my dearest friends Jared got married, ten days later Dylan and I are married. . . then Dylan and I moved to Canada, he starts school and leaves on trips for the first three weeks we were there.
The human heart cannot help but grieve what is lost, so you can imagine what that looks and feels like when two people that are just married are barely spending any quality time together, in a foreign place, and yet one of them are constantly fluctuating between what is reality and what feels like a dream, a bad dream. Losing your Mom is like losing home. When people say, "So where's home?" I normally assume people are referring to where one's parents are located.
At the place we are staying now, the lady upstairs is a family counselor. She gave me some papers about grieving and loss. In there it was saying that three of the hardest losses to bare and why. Parents = past. Spouse = present. Children = future. This makes alot of sense to me. She also said she thinks I might have a tendancy to 'trivialize my feelings.' She is correct.
While we were back in Missouri, I picked up this book on a shelf... Furious Longing of God by Brennan Manning. If you read it more than once you are liable to be encouraged and inspired. I thought this applied and explained why it is good to not 'turn away' from our own flesh and blood or anyone for that matter that Jesus has died for. Here's something I just read and could not stand to keep it to myself.
Healing is a response to a crisis in the life of another person. It's enough of a response, a satisfactory response to a crisis in the life of another. And wherever the word CRISIS is used in the Greek New Testament, it is translated in English as judgement. That's right---judgement. Healing is a response that I make to a decisive moment in the life of a brother or sister; whether I respond or not, I have made a judgement.
Healing becomes the opportunity to pass off to another human being what I have received from the Lord Jesus; namely unconditional acceptance of me as I am, not as I should be. He loves me whether in a state of grace or disgrace, whether I live up to the lofty expectations of His gospel or I don't. He comes to me where I live and loves me as I am.
And then these are a few more words that might help you to see into 'where I've been' inside.
FOG IN THE VALLEY
Something about park benches and rocking chairs
Taking long walks in cool clean mountain air
Watching blue clear skies as the sun melts fog in the valley
Coming to the plain simple truth of life's always changing melody
Admitting there's so much more to learn as I travel down this road
Being still while you feel reality burn the weight of the load
Adding another unexpected piece to the puzzle
Ever aching within from the constant struggle
Of nothing more than this day to day life
Exceedingly thankful for right now, and yet still grieving at the same time.
I WILL REMEMBER
I remember you laughing to tears
I remember your squeeze tight hugs
I will remember you Mother
For always and ever your love...
You have touched my soul like nothing else
Your words, your prayers have carried me
All your sacrifice and pain and suffering
Continues to challenge, encourage, and comfort me.
My Dear Friends, some of you have asked how is married life? How's life in Canada? How's life without Mom? Being married to Dylan is a true gift from the Lord. Starting out a marriage when you are in a season of grief has its own set of ups and downs. Thanks to the Prince of Peace reigning in our hearts and in our home...each day is getting brighter. Being up north for seasons at a time also includes some interesting factors, but has been just another avenue the Lord has proven His faithfulness. For me, it has always been difficult to be away or apart from the ones I love. So from now until Jesus comes... I will KEEP LOOKING UP. Thanks for all your prayers, calls, and letters...they have ministered to me in ways I cannot explain, and it has made the hard times for both of us a little easier.
The Giver of life is always giving...He knows how to love...therefore He gives. KEEP LOOKING UP. His love conquers all. The Lord is exceedingly generous and kind. He is all wise, ever mindful, constantly pursuing, selflessly giving to all who are in need. He is utterly amazing even when we cannot find the words to tell Him so. KEEP LOOKING UP. Nothing surprises Him or catches Him unaware. He is unlimited in showing His faithfulness in this earth. Never give up. Never stop pouring out your heart in prayer. The Lord hears and answers. Do not be discouraged when cirmcumstances come upon you that you feel are too hard to bare. The Lord is right there. KEEP LOOKING UP. He is and was and will forever be the only way, truth, and life. He is the promise keeper, the faithful healer, the hope and anchor of our souls. His Kingdom rules over all. He is more than enough. KEEP LOOKING UP. Eternal life is nothing to be sad about though for a moment our earthly hearts seem to be overwhelmed. The Lord strong and mighty will not be silent. He will not let the righteous be forsaken. He will come and save us. KEEP LOOKING UP. Those who hope in Him will not be put to shame or dissapointed. He saves every one of our tears in a bottle. Those who sow in tears will reap joy! KEEP LOOKING UP. Soon and very soon we are going to see the KING! Our faith and hope and trust in Him in this temporary life and momentary circumstances will be the living sacrifices of praise to lay at His feet. His mercy endures forever! KEEP LOOKING UP.
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